Date:	2009-04-26 23:27
Subject:	The Only Country Whose Name is a Backwards Gerrund
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

Landing! England! (see) There were three of us, and they put us on a bus and drove it under the cliffs. Used a payphone, with funny little octagonal coins: if the money looked less interesting, Stirling would fall further than it has; there must be a cusion provided by the thousands of pounds tourists must keep in change - just as I have done my bit for Macedonia and Hungary. Although the denari look like tokens for the pier.

I frightened a Macedonia child: he told me 'tredecet denari elen kilo' and I said 'ooo'. Didn't want to give him the money when his father was standing right next to him, it seemed rude, but he didn't want it. So I had a bag of tomatoes and no cultural awareness. A woman appeared with scales speaking English; should've given the money to the child, she charged me more.

Read all the newspapers since being home: apparently the government is about to collapse! There's this horrible, knowing tone in all the articles - found myself beleiving it myself. Glad we don't have the patriotic culture of the US, seeing as in all probability in two years we would have to swear allegiance to Cameron. I feel a bit like Sarah Brown must, don't like the idea of Dave and Samantha hanging new curtains in that house, rearranging the furniture: strikes me they'd keep it obsessively clean, as well. Oeuoeugh. Graduating under Cameron, too, what a horrible idea. 'Act two of the Drowsy Chaperone begins like this: a haunting lament from the bride...'

Date:	2009-01-11 19:25
Subject:	Veni
Security:	Public
Mood:	crappy

I have decided to walk to University, to coincide with 2009's general 'implausible walking' theme. It is a mere 154 kilometres as the GoogleEarth ruler flies, or four days in the countryside with a rucksack full of books and a piano - what could be more lovely?

Jeremy Hardy is more awake than he appears. I remember how he said to his daughter who wanted a new t-shirt: 'you're ten years old, sew it yourself;' and he said about Obama the other day 'he's respecting the vice-presidential protocol which states that you musn't speak out publicly about savage Isreali aggression before the inauguration and that you musn't speak out publicly about savage Isreali aggression after the inauguration.' At least the military strategy incorporates a level of understanding of cultural difference: 'when they fire rockets at us it makes us want to fire rockets at them but if we fire rockets at them they will want to stop firing rockets at us.' Answered by a lout in a kuffiyeh: 'killing will make it better.' Hardenings of the will. Like Medieval science, when arguments would end with a man with an intact principle and a corpse, or a pile of ashes.

Orlando Bloom as James Joyce with Who? as Nora Barnacle? That's what I thought as I woke up this morning. Hove has a Mortimer Street and a Mortimer Mews. I don't think Orlando could do an Irish accent very well; he certainly couldn't write a novel: Prove me wrong Orlando! I remember reading somewhere he lost his virginity at fourteen. Like Casanova, all these dirty chamber-maids going up and down the country initiating young gentlemen, it's a pox, a pox!

Henry climbed out of the disease and looked around him.

I imagine it would fall to me to direct. Is there a river in Dublin? I imagine there must be, but if not we can film it in Stockholm, or another European city, or an Asian village - an African suburb. 'Suburb' looks like a fart.

Merry Christmas

Date:	2008-12-19 00:35
Subject:	Would you like a rolling stone? Would you? like a rolling stone?
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

That's right kids, they're on offer, and there was a sale of undesirable meat on a Dark Age fortification, offal on offer on Offa's Dyke. A man on In Our Time said today 'people tend to think clocks produce time, that if there were no more clocks, time would just stop.' I think he needs to credit the nation with a little more sense, although I do remember thinking that as a child. Xx

Date:	2008-12-09 01:50
Subject:	Low grade cocaine isn't that hyped: that's right, crack isn't as cracked up as it's cracked up to be
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold

I feel like saying something about scales and balances but fear that to breathe or even look at them will tilt them adversely. Still, armed with a few memorable couplets, a suitcase full (full) of books, geography from the film of 'Maurice', new trousers and, what, five hours sleep, I go forth to the fifth-oldest continuous intstitution in Europe (Papacy, Royal Navy, University of Oxford, University of Paris...)

Date:	2008-12-03 00:38
Subject:	Then Isiah Berlin
Security:	Public
Mood:	crazy

Today the utter folly of the entire English project was exposed by my failure to finish 'Jazz'; still, I listened to a lot of Acker Bilk and enjoyed not having to deliver letters. Time Passes.

Date:	2008-10-27 21:12
Subject:	Arthur Streeb-Greebling
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold

'Hey you over there, looking at your toes,
Don't look at the world like it's about to bite you on the nose:
It's far more likely to go for the throat...'

I've got luminous paint on my coat, but it was worth it, damnit. This morning a man called Dan asked me what my degree was in:

I grow old, I grow old,
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Date:	2008-10-11 01:19
Subject:	Flourescent Orange
Security:	Public
Mood:	crazy

One of those days when you realise running downhill with a trolley full of post is damn fun. People were terrified.

Date:	2008-10-07 21:26
Subject:	Salford Lads' Club
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed

I am sending my second personal statement today; it ends: 'it is far from a calendical curiousity that the beginning of the academic year is as far as possible from "the cruellest month".' So a year wasted, one presumes; I have no bones left and it isn't through something fun like venereal disease but erosion caused by bags over Union-regulation weight. What good is organised labour if they don't explain that you can carry that but two hours of it will hurt you? I think I shall emigrate - but that was the whole point of this thing anyway. The Lion of St Mark stands on the beach, with his paw on an open gospel.


VOTING TORY IS ADDICTIVE, DON'T START

YOUR DOCTOR OR PHARMACIST CAN HELP YOU STOP VOTING TORY

VOTING TORY HARMS YOU AND OTHERS AROUND YOU



VOTING TORY CAUSES A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH


I have almost completely transduced every emotion into the fortunes of Gordon Brown and Barrack Obama. Almost cried at the World at One, and I was really rude to a homeless man - then tried to make up for it with money.

Just listened to James Comerasani talking about Ashphet Keyani of the Pakistani Army. Isn't poetry wonderful?

Date:	2008-09-02 02:00
Subject:	Land of milk and Huns
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed

I have been in Cornwall and other pretty places in the world; now I have no clean clothes and no towels but I am well-rested and ready to tackle the world - or so I thought, until a man with one-and-a-half eyes told me he wasn't interested in buying my Beanos. Now I have bussiness-cards: a picture of two hands, one circled, and 'one is never enough: second-hand goods...' I beleive this is one of those hidings that leads to nothing, whatever a 'hiding' is... I learn from the Dictionary of Etymology that a 'hiding' could be an area of land judged sufficient to feed a family and its dependents; ie, quite large: if you had a great many of them it would be a large open space, so 'a hiding to nothing' would be the appearance standing on it; or a waste of land, if there was noone to eat the food, if you were impotent...alternatively, there is being beaten, as in 'a good hiding', which comes from 'haid' skin, or partially-tanned leather, used for the beating, presumably (or maybe what the skin looked like after being beaten)....

'He'll start going on about the Sybil at Cumae soon,'
'Oh god.'

So it's agency work for me, and the possibility of a 'barista skills' course at City College, which I beleive would bring amusement and satisfaction to certain people; aber sind mein groschen gegehen...

'Mate, why do you think I'd wear this jumper with holes in it if it wasn't the coolest garment in the world?'
'Cos you're a twat?'
'That is a possibility...'
But I still got more bruises from repeating an amusing joke I no longer recall that involved falling over.

Say what you like about the Chinese government, they know how to pick an attractive seven-year-old.

Date:	2008-08-09 00:46
Subject:	A jetty on an island
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

This afternoon I was being rained on in an Italian cemetery and people in the gellataria afterwards looked at me like I had just crawled out of it.

Date:	2008-08-04 02:58
Subject:	Anyone for Venice?
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed

Met some men in the park, and as such am leaving the country. Like every other stranger, they think I am studying Art History at the Sourbonne, something which I fear will only ever be realised in fibs. Get Cape Wear Cape Fly must suffer a lot of competition in the Czech Republic, terrible band they are in addition. My comments on the invalidity of moral relavitism as a philosophy are entirely incomprehensible, I have discovered: it is Josef Fritzl, and Johan Tetzel. Damn.

I was standing under a lamp-post when I clinched it: not Kurtz or Quixote, but Baby Warren, dancing (because she must) with princes and cradling a burst appendix in her corset.
I got woken up by the advert for the Dr Who Prom on the radio; my sore, sleeping head bored into by a Dalek: '...ALL HUMANS WILL LISTEN TO EVERY NOTE ON RADIO THREE AT ELEVEN AM OR ON THE BBC IPLAYER! STAY WHERE YOU ARE! ...' I haven't been so close to a cardioid bloodstain since 'I first set eyes on Dulcinea of Toboso'; but worse was on the way: 'My Chemical Romance will be covering Bob Dylan hit 'Desolation Row'...' I almost said something as blasphemous as when I was arguing about being a Jewish wigger with that man who wanted to give me a Jimi Hendrix poster as well as a lighter (and, apparently, something else - he settled for a catamite kiss: did I or did I not see the Sybil at Cumae? I don't think I did...)
A storm in a teacup is readily a shipwreck in a wine-glass; Fritzl, Tetzel, I know who I'd prefer, but then I never thought the ghost anything but the spirit of his father: but seriously, though, I don't think even if I had - that's what that woman couldn't accept, although she did invite me to the West Country, and 'but do you find many people of your age to talk to?' - which was a compliment! Yes, Baby Warren, and you can't sleep with a bloody abdomin, hence this tedious Woolf-in-sheepish-grin catawaul. Carry on up the morning! In the Guardian today they gave members of the cabinet 'danger ratings' in different numbers of little gun-silhouettes. If there was ever a collaoration between Robert Zimmerman and Dylan Thomas, they would have to be very careful with the ordering of acreditation otherwise only one of them would get any....
'Having sex with the random cesuras of a dislexic reading out-loud': that makes two misleading gerrunds ('sleep with a bloody...') and one vice-gerrand used to mislead young men in the inner cities, or 'Anne, how impressive' as the modern, colloquial translation should read, I think. 'Yeasty'.

Well done whoever stole Cameron's bike! But give it back, because otherwise he'll get sympathy from the voters for the loss of his 'old friend' and become tough on the causes of grime.

Date:	2008-07-23 16:09
Subject:	My name is Norman Yolk
Security:	Public
Mood:	curious

Dreamt I was Abe North!
And the percentage of Americans confusing Iraqis with Iroquoys has fallen to its lowest rate in seven years; for the remaining people inside this peculiar demographic, Saddam Hussein is a Red Indian, or 'Asian communist', and as such is trying to nationalise the Himilaya-Yellow River area in colusion with the Democratic Party; the reason the Iraq war is the worst overseas deployment for the Americans since Vietnam is, according to them, because they are the same war . It's a good job he's dead. The percentage-fall is beleived to be caused by the recent imposition of the death penalty for watching television after walking less than eight feet in any single day.
I went to a casino and lost £5 I never had, then 'fell over' and lost £5 I definately did have once. Funny how things happen. I gave my casino card to a pretty girl who is presumably having some difficulty in persuading people her name is Humphrey Biloxi. (She lives at 19 Never! Crescent, Folpshire, and her phone number is 0788888neveryoumind - the creative effort to get £5!)
Went to a Lebanese restaurant where they sold 'Beirut Burgers', 'Hamas Holumi', and 'Tripoli Truffles'; it wasn't actually those, but something of exactly the same sort.
'I think I might join the navy,' 'they wouldn't take you' 'why not?' 'well, you don't, like, have a boat.' Eh?

Date:	2008-07-22 20:25
Subject:	Servus villam portat
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful

Sitting drying. Duck tape, etc.

Date:	2008-07-19 18:23
Subject:	Blue Shooed Suede
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful

Muddy Waters used to record extra-contractually under the name 'Dirty Rivers', and was, not surprisingly, discovered.